Holy Hiei!
by Otaku Freak Kiken 88
Summary: Based on the weirdest yet funniest dream I ever had. It's mainly about Hiei's visit to one of the most dreaded places on earth: CHURCH. Please review! It's funny!
1. Involved

**Holy Hiei!**

By **OFK**

It was a very odd day. Kurama was being grumpy, so he closed his window and made me use his front door. Why? I just had to ask. He never made me use the front door. NEVER.

When I saw him, I gasped and stepped back at the sight of him in a suit, tie and all. What had come over him? Why was he putting himself through all that torture of the strangling cloth around his neck? Yet another question to interrogate him about. His gestures gave no distinct clue, but I knew something was upsetting him. I was going to find out one way or another. "Kurama, what the hell is going on?" I sounded calm, yet anxious as I spoke. Awaiting a response, I leaned my shoulder on the wall behind me. Finally, he spoke.

"My mother's forcing me to go to this strange church today. I told her I don't believe in the Christian God, but she just wouldn't hear of it. Her American friend invited her, so she's dragging me along." His eyebrow twitched in aggravation. "THAT'S why I'm dressed up."

I couldn't hold it any longer. The thought of Kurama in a church, singing hymns and praying made my body quake with great laughter. My eyes watered as I did so, and I could hardly breathe. I suddenly stopped when a thorny rose whip was at my throat. "Uh..."

"One more laugh and I'll force you into a blazer and into the car." Piercing eyes shot stern glares at me, making me feel awkward as I slid down the wall, away from the dangerous extension of his spirit energy. Kurama was serious. And it was better to shut up than to be tortured alongside him. I gulped and slinked a little ways away and rose, dusting myself off and clearing my throat.

"Hn... where is your mother dearest anyway?" I looked around, hoping not to see his wretched mother and her strange kindness. But, contrary to what I thought, there she was. Coming closer, almost into the same room as us, she spotted me and raised an eyebrow in curiosity. "Are you bringing him along?"

I just blinked in shock. How could she even THINK I would step a foot inside such a foul building? That woman _must_ be insane. She would probably expect me to sing along with those disgusting lyrics and awful tunes. Such a hilarious thought. Me, singing? Hah! Oh, crap... I think I just laughed outloud! Maybe he didn't hear me... maybe he'll think nothing of it...maybe...

"NOW he is." He scowled at me, then evilly smirked. I could tell he just wanted to see me suffer in that damned building... I know he wanted to see me act like the demon I am. Well, I was going to prove him wrong.

"Oh, good! Then you'll have a friend with you... It won't be as bad as you think. And, I promise, if it gets to be too long, I'll leave early. Now, get him dressed and let's go." His mother walked off with her normal smile. It sent a cold shiver down my spine, which just added to the horror I had awaiting me.

Looking over at the amused fox, I glared. "Hn... you wouldn't dare..." I squinted my eyes to intensify the look, making it more intimidating, but it didn't faze him one bit.

"You'd think that, wouldn't you?" A playful grin appeared as he walked closer to me. I stepped back. He moved again. And I mirrored him, moving backwards after every step. "Come here. It's not going to kill you!" He still advanced. And I still declined.

I finally jumped on top of one of his pieces of furniture, up high, almost out of his grasp. "You can't catch me. You know that, don't you?" I taunted him with my foot, quickly jerking it back to my body as he tapped it with his reaching hands. "You could never catch me." I did it again, but this time I almost was caught. I quickly jumped over to his desk, then onto his bed, then lastly onto his dresser again. It took him a few seconds to realize I had moved, but he quickly caught on and followed after me. We eventually made it out of his room, and into the living room. There were more surfaces for me to perch on, all to my advantage.

"Mother, get me a blazer!" Kurama called to his mom. He set his eyes on me, careful to discern whether or not I was going to flit off again or stay there for a bit longer. He was devising a clever plan inside his mind, but he blocked his thoughts so I couldn't read any bit of it. Drat. Just WHAT did that fox have in mind?! It was driving me wild in anxiety. It was cautious after noticing he was planning something. There was no way he'd ever get me into a godforsaken blazer. I just thought of something! The door! I could easily escape if I could just get there without his interference! If only I could just sneak my way over there...

I jumped. I flew down and over to the door, only to find the situation to my dismay. It was jammed, or blocked by some force. What now? I was out in the open, and Kurama's hand was reaching towards his hair. Where could I jump? Where would I be safe from him?

It was not by Kurama that I was caught. It was by his mother, and her mysterious ways of always managing to interfere. She had lured me towards her with the most pathetic thing ever: sweet snow. I am such a weakling! _-sigh-_

After a long struggle over putting the dreaded jacket on me, I was a very pissed off demon. Pouting as I sat there, in the car of his mother's friend, I didn't say a word. I only stared at the disturbing, vanilla scented air freshener, shapedlike a chicken. Why on earth would chickens be vanilla scented? And why would anyone WANT a vanilla scented chicken? Stupid humans and their vanilla scented chickens!

Everyone piled into the car. I was seated next to Kurama, who was snickering under his breath. If only I could've brought my katana! I'd show him how funny it was! I grumbled at him, sneering and glaring. He only laughed harder. His mother looked back at us, wondering why I was upset and why her son was poking fun at me. She only said to keep it down as she turned around once more. This was definitely going to be one hell of a service.

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_Hey! How's it been? I haven't written for such a long time! Hope u like this! It's based on a dream I had, and it's a whole lot longer... but, if you want chapter two, you better review and tell me! And make your friends review! And ya better not flame! I don't think it's right to do that, so BE NICE and just review! PLEASE!!! I'll update it ASAP if you do! MAKE ME HAPPY!!! Thank you!_

_Ja-ne!_

_-**OFK**_


	2. Car Ride of Hell Part 1

"DON'T poke me." 

I could tell he was getting pissed. I couldn't blame him. And I also couldn't help annoying him, either. His pouty mood just made it irresistible. I poked his shoulder once again, chuckling as his eyes flashed red with pent-up fury. It was a good 40 minutes to get to that church, so I had all the time to bug the hell out of him, basking in the easily-won victory. "It wasn't me..." I snickered.

"YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE IN THE BACKSEAT BESIDES ME, AND THE ONLY ONE WHO'S DUMB ENOUGH TO TEMPT MY WRATH, BAKA KITSUNE!" Hiei's side of the seat glowed purple with rage, the window looking as though it would soon shatter under the force. His eyes were slits and his fangs were bearing. He was just a little bothered.

"I said keep it down, you two!" My mother, somewhat agitated, turned and said it for the sixth time since we've boarded the vehicle. I really didn't like this side of her, even though she's been showing it a lot more lately. "I just don't know what's gotten into him lately..."

Her friend spoke. "It's probably just hormones." She nodded confidently and adjusted the vanilla scented, chicken shaped air freshener. "All boys do get strange around their teenage years." She made a sharp turn and adjusted the vanilla scented chicken once more, since the turn threw everyone to one side of the car, and nearly flung the poor air freshener off the rearview mirror. "Sorry 'bout that..." I could tell she didn't exactly ace her driver's test.

Hiei peeled his face off the window and looked over at me awkwardly. "...What the hell is she talking about?" His face was full of question. It was quite amusing.

"What do you mean, Hiei?" I asked, almost laughing as I did so.

"What are... hormones?" It was a true and sincere look of cluelessness. I wish I had a camera. He kept staring at me as I continued to chuckle. "I'm serious."

"Chemicals in the body which are released at certain times to either change, cause a reaction in, or to calm down the body." I smiled profoundly at my statement, but Hiei did the opposite. "...What's the matter?"

"In a language that I can UN-DER-STAND, KU-RA-MA..." Hiei's eyes rolled at his last syllable. "Say it again, or give me an example."

"Okay... um..." I looked around, trying to help myself think. What could I use for an example? I just couldn't think... "Hormones... hormones... huh..." Still brainstorming, I twiddled my thumbs and mumbled to myself, trying to come up with an easy example.

"Hey, kid... didn't you ever go to school?" My mother's friend turned and asked Hiei, in a way taking her eyes off the road and swerving to stay on one side.

"Hn... school's for baka ningens... I don't NEED it." He huffed and crossed his arms, staring out the window.

"You think you're too good for education? You're NEVER too good for an education. Heck, I'd be NOWHERE if I didn't get through eighth grade!" Her excitement caused her to swerve yet again, throwing everyone back and forth as she did so. I was right; she probably didn't even GO to driver's ed!

"...You merely made it halfway up the scale of education. That's nothing to be proud of, I'm afraid. Demons have no use for ningen education. That's why none of us have gone to school." Hiei retorted at her, smirking.

"Oh, isn't that cute! He thinks he's a DEMON! That's so funny!" She made another sharp turn, adjusted the vanilla scented, chicken shaped air freshener, then kept going down the road with all her horrible, L.A. or New York-ian driving tactics. This car ride was starting to sicken me, and in a way that made my stomach turn. I kept the complaining down to a minimum and suddenly thought of an example for Hiei.

"Puberty!" I yelled. It made her nearly run right off the road.

"What the heck are you-! You scared the crap outta me! And what the heck does 'puberty' have to do with education?" She panted the words out and calmed herself, still going down the road with haste.

"It's an example of how hormones work!" I replied.

"Well... what is this 'puberty'?" Hiei asked me, looking intrigued.

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Hey there! Wow, I haven't updated in sucha long time! Sorry! Well, review and I will try to update sooner! Ja!**_

_**OFK**_


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